Wanted:
Job Title: President of the United States of America
Job Description: Head administrator of the republic known as the United States of America. As head of the executive branch, your primary duties are (generally) as follows:
- Understand the realities of international politics, trade, and nation states.
- Try to represent the interests of the majority of people in the country, without ignoring minority groups.
- Maintain the existence of the “American Dream”, also known as “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. (keyword pursuit)
- Minimize war and discontent inside and outside of the borders of the country.
- Try to uphold the basic principles of the constitution, as much as possible, including the various ‘freedoms’, to the best of your ability.
- Keep the economy running smoothly so that people can be (mostly) free to engage in aforementioned pursuit, esp. in the areas of business, social life, child-rearing, education, and, most importantly, the Arts.
The ideal candidate (for this voter) will:
- Stay out of the limelight and get shit done.
- Have a great and intimate knowledge of the rather seedy areas of politics, as well as nasty dualistic-minded and greedy international ‘players’, so that I do not have to.
- Will be moderate in tone and approach, and not be an extremist or revolutionary dreamer.
- Be practical as ‘all hell,’ recognizing that the devil is in the details.
- Love politics, government, and administrative meetings more than life itself.
- Try to represent those who identify as ‘workers’ (proletariat) of the country and provide basic services for them, such as health care and immigrant rights, so that they can continue their lifestyle, should they choose, or keep pursuing ‘the dream’.
- Try to represent those who identify as the modern ‘middle-class’ (American faux-bourgeoisie) and keep prices and inflation under control and at decent levels, so that they can continue their desired lifestyles, be they community-building, spiritual life, consumerism, work and school, etc.
- Allow the business-men and -women, entrepreneurs, and free market / libertarian-minded types to ‘do their thing’, in a general climate of cooperation, as much as possible.
- Be supportive of the Arts and the artistic class, or at least let those in the private and public sectors who support the Arts be free to continue doing so.
- Have a good understanding of the world of business and commerce, especially globalization and the corporate world, in order that (s)he can represent the various citizens’ interests, within the complex, modern world of international finance and trade.
- Be realistic and willing to ‘bargain with the devil’ known as Bush-Cheney, realizing that they still run the mother fucker, as their military plundering, nation-state toppling, and puppet regime-installing have created a world government that has almost nothing to do with the presidency, or individual countries anymore.
- De-emphasize the military in American life.
- NOT be a complete ass (like W) and try to take funding away from PBS (see “Be supportive of the Arts”, above)
Candidate need not be:
- A giver of grand speeches, or a “hero”
- A provider of false hopes
- A narcissist in love with hearing him or herself talk
- A savior figure or any kind, or a good basketball player
- Necessarily charismatic in any way
- Cute and cuddly
- A believer that it will all work out ‘if we get together and make it happen’.
- So-called ‘progressive’ or ‘liberal’.
- A wimpy egghead or pansy bookworm, marxist, or purist.
- A great ‘thinker’
Definition: Politics – Po•li•tiks (Origin greek)
From the greek poly, meaning ‘many’ and ticks, meaning ‘blood-sucking parasites’.
Executive Summary
In my mind, America is not a great country. It is not worth ‘fighting for’. I have no hope for America – I do not want hope, I do not want progress. I do not believe in a ‘progressive’ America. For me, the United States is hardly ‘great’, in the sense that say, the Renaissance was great for the western world, or Greek architecture is great, or Thelonious Monk was great, or, if you are a believer of such things, the legendary city-state of Atlantis was great. Americans are not great people. For that matter, countries are not great. Periods are great, art movements are great, parties (the kind where they serve booze) are great. Countries are not great. They are functional organizations where people and groups go about their business living their lives out on this little planet we call Earth, until they die. This is hopefully done with as little government interference, meddling, or regulation as possible, unless it be for the purpose of cooperation between people and groups. Such an organization is necessary, being in fact, the essence of civilization. But it is not great. I need not live in a great country. In fact, I don’t even want to think much about my country, or ‘great citizens,’ or ‘building greatness’. It has always had the whiff of over-inflated ego-ness about it, and it’s frankly a turn-off for me.
I believe that, mythologically, in the Emerson, Rosa Parks, Nikola Telsa (naturalized citizen), Dorothy Parker, Erica Jong, Louis Armstrong, George Gershwin, Mark Twain-kind of way, there have been great American people – but hardly any of them have been especially patriotic. It is afterwards that everyone claims that they were great Americans and contributed so much to American cultural life, yada yada yada. This is precisely when the myths of the ‘great American nation’ are created. These are blatant lies perpetuated by the dim-witted folk amongst us who are given to false ‘pride’ and taking credit for those of us who actually fucking think, meditate, read books, look at paintings, or travel, instead of trying to sell someone insurance, or a vacuum they do not need. Actually, if someone is promoting the greatness of America they are usually trying to sell you something (like a pay-per-view boxing event) or get you to join their political or social cause.
The great people of this country have not been heads of social movements or politicians. I do not believe in social movements per se. For me, social movements start when individuals are free to think, create, ride trains, write stream-of-consciousness poetry, hang out in the garden for 3 years, or alternatively visit speakeasies in the middle of the night down in the Village (where they may meet other great individuals and get lit). It is, subsequently, after these creative people meet, discuss, write, fuck, eat, hate, love, and cum, that movements are born, and everyone basks in the ambiance of enlightening thought. But not before.
Politicians are not great individuals. They are barely competent creative thinkers usually, that is why they go into the fields of politics, instead of, say, architecture, music, theatre, or filmmaking. But please don’t misunderstand, I love them for what they do and the service they provide for the rest of us, so that I do not have to do it. It is a great sacrifice, in my mind, that such a person should deal with the savage-hearted thugs who wage wars on entire regions of the world, so that they can build empires and continue to rape and pillage for the sake of their power lust.
Hillary Clinton is not a saint. In fact, she is actually partly evil. You can see it in her eyes. She is not going to take your shit. She can see directly into your heart, straight through your ‘good intentions’, and she is not going to tolerate your whiny-ass “let’s discuss this for 2 years before we take any action, while Dick Cheney is fucking up the world and killing Arab children for money” attitude. She is very reminiscent of my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Kearns. I went to elementary school in Plainfield, New Jersey, and every morning, in the dead of winter, when it was about 10 degrees outside, she would open up all of the windows in the classroom to ‘let in the fresh air’. When I complained and said I was freezing my ass off, my 10 year-old pre-pubescent balls are shriveling up, could we please close the window? – she just looked at me with those glaring, ice-cold, dark and sinister eyes. She didn’t even respond. I couldn’t even get her attention. I was getting some fresh air and that was the end of it. I got the message – what I should be focusing on, instead of complaining about the environment, is my multiplication tables and learning how to think logically, for Christ’s sake. When I think back, I must say that I love this woman. She is the anti-modernist, touchy-feely, everything-will-work-out if we talk about it figure. She is the epitome of tough love, which this country needs rather desperately at this point. Mrs. Kearns for president!
I have come to grips with the fact that America is not a democracy. Democracy is a good idea, as the famous quote goes, but I do not believe that Americans in general are really able to govern themselves. I am not talking about the poor, impoverished and toothless masses – I am talking about the ‘progressives’ and ‘liberals’! Progressive and liberal purists in America are generally the most politically schizophrenic and impotent: unable to make decisions, like deciding if ethanol is better than wind, or fond of engaging in useless social debates, such as if it is OK to use the ‘N-word’ in certain contexts. The Bushes and Cheneys of the world are all-too-familiar with these wimpy, pansy-ass faux-intellectuals, and are quite happy to exploit their good intentions; and while progressives fiddle with ideas, the Nation burns, and Dick Cheney makes another $10 million on warfare and oil.
Progressive people are fond of debating and political philosophy, but they are not ‘doers’. Oh they are great at philosophy, elocution, poetry, open-mic nights, and questioning society in general, but of course not changing anything. Actually, truth be told, I quite enjoy the company of progressives. Progressives throw good dinner parties, weddings, or concerts in the park. They eat good cheese. Some of them appreciate Shakespeare. They find great bargains in the wine bin down at the grocery store. They make poignant and penetrating documentaries which air on PBS (my favorite TV network). I enjoy these aspects of life. But I do not trust progressives when it comes to the political arena, where scum-bags rule and vacillating pansies get their asses handed to them on a popsicle stick. Progressives simply aren’t cold and calculating enough to be successful politicians. They get eaten up and spit out.
(Side Note: If I want to live amongst progressives I will go to Holland or Norway and experience real socialism (which I may do anyway if the Republicans win this election). I will go somewhere where it is done right, with true intention and not half-assed, thank you).
Getting back to the Commander-in-Chief. For the presidency I need someone with extreme attention to detail. Someone who can dot the ‘i’s and cross the ‘t’s. I need an administrator, I need a bad-ass, pencil pusher who is not afraid to play the game of politics and stick a Dixon Ticonderoga no. 2 up your ass (and twist), should you get out of line. I need Nurse Ratched, I need the evil stare. I need someone who is not a talker, but a doer, someone who wants to think about solving problems, instead of being well-liked and articulate.
I do not need hope. Obama can stick his hope up his ass. I do not need a president to give me hope. If I have hope, it is because I have some sort of Spiritual foundation or awareness, because I have been left alone by the government and the social movement control-freaks, to experience life. My hope will not come from music videos or the would-be-president playing pick-up basketball games with the Carolina Tar Heels. I do not need morale. I do not need to think that everything is going to be O.K. I do not need to believe in the brotherhood of mankind, or that all people are created equal, or someone to tell me they believe in America. I especially do not need a half-assed guru figure. (Side Note: I hate gurus. Guruism is almost always a racket. Gurus generally want your money. Their general line is ‘believe in the power, the power of…you, the power of us… the power of ME! I will give you this power, for only $19.99 a month… just focus on me! Keep staring at me and listening to my voice. I will solve all of your personal inadequacies and shortcomings, specifics to be given later…. I am your savior! Obey me!’)
Here is what I need: I need people to have jobs (should they desire them), I need the value of the dollar to appreciate, I need practical solutions for regulating trade and allowing small businesses and entrepreneurship to flourish. I need basic management of this country. I need the price of wheat bread to go down. I need cheap beer. I need to travel abroad and Turkish people not spit at me, or Frenchmen to attack me politically (in never-ending discussions at breakfast) for being an American. I need someone to fight the Cheney / Bush coalition of thieves from the inside. Someone who can play the inevitable game and keep the playing field as even as possible for those of us not pillaging.
For this position, I support Hillary Rodham Clinton. Hillary, may you lead us back to moderation and basic-functionality, hopefully somewhere above mediocrity. Just please, do not pretend to be great.
Godspeed Mrs. Clinton.
